It's April Fool's Day, but I don't feel very foolish! In fact, the only feeling that comes to mind is an overwelming sense of "drowning." Yes, I feel like I am drowning.
Drowning in monotony...boredom...stress...annoyance...confusion...must I go on? I hate to complain because I know I have a good life, especially when so many people around the world are truly struggling, but I just have to vent. I am so sick of feeling like I am drowning in a sea of "have to's" and "need to's." I always feel like there is something I have to do to get by, to make the money, to simply live. I don't feel like there's much going on in my life that is filled with "want to's" because there is no time, no money, no vacation. I feel like I used to have dreams, passion, and desire. I didn't think I would get two degrees, travel around the world, and then end up sitting in an office for ten freaking hours a day...but I have to and I need to because it's what it takes to get by right now. Every week it is the same ol game... Sunday I dread Monday because it is my last day of the weekend. Monday I dread Tuesday because it is my Monday, and I hate every other day until Saturday when I get all the personal things I need to get done again before dreading Monday comes around. I live a solid cycle of dread...WOW how life can change when the real world kicks in!
I guess you can say that this vicous cycle of dread is slowly creeping its way into my soul, but I thank God for giving me foresight because I am doing my best to fight it off. That's where my photography is coming into play. The more I take photos, the more I begin to realize there is still a small ounce of passion lurking somewhere inside of me. I've been missing my old friend for some time I must say! I hope photography becomes a true passion for me and offers me a way to escape the ebb and flow of my drowning body, yet I must be careful not to be too consumed with wanting more from my photography than what it can give. I have a habit of being too ambitious with my young work and becoming frustrated when my photos don't turn out as I wanted them too. I must learn to see photography as an art and as a way to escape rather than as a means to an end. When I begin to see it that way, maybe I will rise from the water!